


This Is Where I Save Your Miserable Life, Again

by Mattx13



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Asexual Raphael Santiago, Blood, Death, M/M, Mild Gore, Pansexual Simon Lewis, Psychological Horror, Violence, it's happy pain train happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-16
Updated: 2017-06-04
Packaged: 2018-09-17 20:58:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 17,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9344162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mattx13/pseuds/Mattx13
Summary: Raphael saves Simon from Camille's blood when he catches him outside the hotel DuMort. With a few days of detoxifying his body, hopefully Simon will not need to be saved again. (He will.)A lot of the tags are for pretty minor things, this is not a hardcore fic and more of a just in case you REALLY can't stand something.





	1. Assistance

**Author's Note:**

> Hey y'all! My previous fic was received really well so I decided to write another! You guys were so sweet to me with my last one so I really hope this one is up to par!

Simon’s eyes flickered over the signs of the Hotel DuMort, his vision on them not remaining steady enough to process the words. There was a wisp of wind behind him and back exposed to the quiet, angry newcomer's voice. “Excuse me.” He jumped, turning to the sound after the terrifying thought of leaving his crossed his mind. It was Raphael, furious and flabbergasted at the sight of his return. “Are you insane or just an idiot?” He questioned rhetorically, lips curling to make his point. It was better than Camille, but not by much.

 

“Huh?” Simon questioned since his fear and confusion fogged his brain too much to offer much more, backing up closer to the building. Raphael followed him forward.

 

“What are you after, anyway?” He demanded, furrowing his brows that Simon had the gall to return to the place that almost held his death if Camille had her way. His stare was strong, Simon peering around to think and as if his surroundings had any clues.

 

“To tell you the truth... I don’t know.” He stated honestly, looking down at Raphael scoffed. Simon’s nerves got to him before Raphael could say another word, shaking. “Ever since Camille let me taste her blood, I’ve been seeing things, I’ve been so angry-” Raphael’s eyes widened, holding up a finger that shut Simon up instantly.

 

“Camille let you taste her blood?” He asked, voice threatening enough to leave no room for nothing but the truth.

 

“Yes.” Simon whimpered, curling further into his own jacket. “I think it made me sick.” Raphael swore under his breath, eyes searching up to the sky to wonder why God had cursed him now. Simon watched his face, shaking like a leaf. “Just tell me! Am I going to become a vampire?!” He shouted, unable to hold it in any longer. Raphael shushed him by slamming his hand over his mouth, searching the hotel for any movement after Simon’s short tirade. When there was none, he bunched up Simon’s jacket and shirt in his hands and lifted him off the ground.

 

“You are coming with me.” Raphael hissed, speeding away with Simon in tow before the young man could make any _more_ loud noises to wake Camille. Thankfully they were far enough away when Simon’s brain finally caught up and he began screaming his head off, instincts telling him to both push Raphael away and hold onto him so he did not fall.

 

Everything seemed to rush by them, streetlights, buildings, until it all blurred completely and the only thing that was different about their environment is that it continued to get darker.

 

 _Finally_ , Raphael came to a stop. Simon gripped the ground, feeling bile tickling the back of his throat. He collapsed, his head spinning and chest heaving as if he had been the one running. The smell of fresh earth invaded his faltering senses, green foliage everywhere around them. “Where are we?” He coughed, sitting up slowly as the world stopped wobbling and righted itself in his vision.

 

“A forest.” Raphael answered unhelpfully behind him, the twigs snapping under his feet the only thing that told Simon of the other man’s movement.

 

“I know _that_ much.” Simon replied weakly, being dragged up by Raphael’s strong arms. There was a loud creak of an old door before Simon was placed on a dusty cot.

 

“Which arm is your dominant arm?” Raphael asked, holding up a metal cuff connected by a long chain to a cement wall. Simon was alarmed by the cuff, scooting back against said wall.

 

“Why? What is this?” He demanded, examining the area. It was a rickety shack, small enough for a bed and a chair to fit but nothing else.

 

“Answer my question first, or it’s my pick.” Unwilling to aggravate him more in a secluded shack in a forest at night, Simon offered his right arm. Raphael cuffed the left one before putting his jacket over the chair and sitting right in front of the now closed door. Without the calm moonlight light anywhere to be found, the space was suffocating. Simon shook the chain just to hear sound, Raphael’s hand stopping his fidgeting.

 

“What is this?! No more games, Raphael!” His voice dripping with fear, feeling the brush of Raphael’s long nails as he pulled his hand back.

 

“Camille is the only one playing games.” Raphael began, sighing. “You tasted her blood. You’re still human, but if you go back to the hotel again _addict,_  you’ll be dead. You briefly have the weaker versions of vampiric powers, but if you go through a detox, you’ll be fine.”

 

His voice was calming in the darkness, the dust heavy shack making Simon hack. “So… After this… Detox, I’ll be fine? No more visions?”

 

“No more visions.” Raphael promised, the chair creaking out as he moved positions. Simon relaxed slightly, adjusting the cuff curiously.

 

“So… Why did you ask my dominant arm if you were gonna put it on the other one?”

 

“I figured you wouldn’t answer ‘which of your arms would you prefer being broken?’” Raphael answered plainly. Simon mulled this over, scratching his chin.

 

“No, I don’t think I would’ve. Why are you helping me?”

 

“The same reason I freed you the first time. Now is not the time to break the Accords, Camille has done that enough. I’m not willing to let my kind go down for her mistakes. Even if I have a certain distaste for mundanes, there’s no reason for you to die.” There was shuffling before Raphael’s face was lit up by his phone screen. His thumbs worked over the screen before the was a ‘swoosh’ of a message sent.

 

“Am I allowed to know who you’re texting?”

 

“Do you usually ask this many questions?”

 

“... Yes?” Raphael let out a long sigh, locking his phone and submerging them in darkness once more.

 

“Magnus. I need a potion to expedite the healing process, otherwise Camille isn’t the only one I’ll have to worry about. I also need you to call your shadowhunter friend so I don’t have to hear her shrill voice yelling at me for helping. Maybe your _mommy_ to tell her you’ll be out for a while.” Simon fumbled, his phone too bright even at the lowest setting in this kind of darkness.

 

“How long should I tell them?” He questioned, shining the light over to Raphael to see him properly. Raphael crossed his arms that Simon saw were surprisingly toned now that the jacket was gone. Since they have like, super strength, how much do they have to bench for it to show up? Or do you have to be muscley when you die for it to show up? Simon shook his head to clear his curious thoughts, glad Raphael seemed to still be pondering so he didn’t look like an idiot for squinting at his biceps for a solid minute.

 

“Maybe… Three days?” The vampire offered, Simon choking in shock.

 

“Three _days_?! I can’t disappear for three days! I thought you said the potion thing was supposed to make it faster! How long without it?”

 

“Two months, at least.” Raphael shrugged, squinting again in thought. “Six months, tops.” Simon turned the brightness up higher in the vampire’s eyes and getting a loud hiss in response. Frustrated, he was still in a pickle how to explain why he would be gone for three days but disappearing for half a year was unthinkable. Raphael’s phone buzzed and he replied quickly before standing. “Look, neither of us want to do this, but if you want to live, and I don’t want to be thrown to Camille _and_ Valentine, we have to.” He sighed, brushing off his jacket and putting it back on. “I’ll be back soon. Won’t be long.”

 

“How do I know you won’t just leave me here to die? Or the potion is poison?” Simon questioned skeptically, getting an unimpressed look in return.

 

“If I wanted you dead, wouldn’t I have killed you when I saw you at the hotel? Or when I had a dagger to your throat? Or when you _ruined_ my new favorite _jacke-_ ”

 

“I get it, I get it, I should be thankful.” Simon said, throwing his hands up in innocence which seemed to calm Raphael once more. “But what if I have to pee?”

 

“Chain’s long enough. You’re surrounded by trees. Just stay _inside._ ” Raphael scoffed before the door was left at a crack and Simon was alone. Simon groaned, rubbing his hand over his face. He spent most of the time Raphael was gone making up stories, and then leaving voicemails of said stories since it was very late and hoping there wasn’t too many holes that he got in trouble. Even if he did, what’s being grounded to being dead? It wasn’t exactly a coin toss. After lying through his teeth to those closest to him and walking around the small hut to get a connection, he tried to sleep.

 

It was decent of Raphael to be helping him, after already saving his life. The talley was he owed Raphael his life (from helping him escape the hotel), his breath (for right now, since he was very fond of that particular activity), and a new jacket (from throwing a knife at him, which he still felt bad about but was glad the other man didn’t take up his offer for a new one because it looked for too nice for anything he could afford).

 

He ended up checking the time near constantly, wondering what was ‘not long’ for an immortal being until his phone died. There were a few attempts to turn it back on, see if there was any juice possibly remaining before the low battery sign flickered as well before the screen broke for no reason and blood began seeping out of the cracks. Placing it face down on Raphael’s chair, he was more than unwilling to mess with it any longer. Thankfully, Raphael returned soon after.

 

“Okay, here’s the order we’re going to do things. First, I give you the potion, you drink all of it or I will force you to. Two, Camille’s blood will briefly be very active after you drink. Three, we both eat if you’re still conscious,  I check on you a few times to make sure everything is fine and once you’re cured we both march our separate ways.” He explained, carrying a bubbling bottle, great smelling food, and a few bags of blood.

 

“...What do you mean, _if_ I’m still conscious?” Simon questioned, eyebrows furrowed and worried gaze on Raphael’s face in the fading moonlight.

 

“Glad we’re in agreement.” Raphael said plainly, Simon’s face falling as the older man shoved everything but the potion in the corner and shutting the door.

 

“What if while Camille’s blood is active, I want the blood and not the food?”

 

“We’ll see what happens if, Camille’s blood or not, you try to steal _my_ food.” He scoffed, kneeling next to the cot and uncorking the potion. Simon hacked hard at just the smell as it felt his nose hairs were all burning up.

 

“That is _putrid_.” Simon objected, looking up just in time to notice Raphael’s hand coming towards him in the dark. He shot back against the wall but he soon had nowhere to go and just had to watch as Raphael’s hand got closer and closer….

 

He pinched Simon’s nose closed, narrowing his eyes. “You’re very paranoid, did you notice that?” Not giving Simon time to answer, he pressed the rim of the bottle to Simon’s lips and made him drink no matter the smell. Simon’s eyes watered heavily, forcing the slimy and almost pudding thick liquid down. There was just _so_ much, _too_ much, it changed temperatures with each swallows and it wasn’t clear if warm or cold was worse. Raphael’s hand left his nose to rub downward motions over his throat to help Simon swallow it all down. Shaking the bottle a few times, Raphael only pulled away when he was positive it was all gone. Simon on the other hand was clutching his stomach that gurgled and grumbled in absolute objection to its current contents. Raphael tucked a box into his hand, Simon having to squint at it to realize it was orange juice with the straw already stuck in. He guzzled it in record time, groaning at the superior taste and shuddering. If that potion didn’t help, Magnus was getting a swift kick in the ass. “Do you want anything to eat?” Raphael offered only with another juice box.

 

“I… Will it settle my stomach?” Simon questioned, weak and unwilling to entertain the idea on his current state. “I don’t think I can sit up. Raphael sighed.

  
“Yes. Can you chew?” He asked tiredly, Simon nodding. For the next several minutes, Raphael would offer bites to Simon who wouldn’t even taste them and chewed mindlessly until there was no more to offer. “Sleep.” Raphael demanded and Simon not needing much convincing but even with a stomach full of warm food, he remained to shiver. Something was draped over him and Simon was far too tired to question it and dragged his body to sleep now that all his needs had been fulfilled.


	2. Hurt to Help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> simon is a dingus and doesn't have a good time

The nightmares were terrible but that was just the beginning. Simon woke with a cold sweat, tugging whatever was keeping him warm closer to his face. Peering at it, it took a few minutes of staring at the mystery article before his eyes adjusted to the dark and realized what it truly was. Raphael must have draped his jacket over Simon’s freezing form so he could finally sleep in peace, the vampire sitting with his arms crossed as he slept in the chair firm against the door. His expression was a rare sight of peace, the only time Simon could possibly take in his features without them turning harsh in return. Something was missing though, the most captivating part of Raphael’s face as a whole being his brown eyes. Having grown up wishing for any other color in the possible spectrum, it was only when he saw the pure draw of Raphael’s that he started to accept his own. That is, of course, when Raphael’s eyes weren’t wild and he wasn’t holding a knife to his throat. Since the vampire was attempting to save his life for a _second_ time, what’s some threatening between what they both hesitate to call a friend?

 

It was most likely daylight but Simon had no way of knowing in the dark shack. It was probably why Raphael was insistent on sleeping right in front of the door,  so Simon could neither attempt a bold escape or fry him to a burnt crisp while he was in dreamland. Did vampires dream? Still, it wasn’t like there was much elsewhere to take a breather, besides sharing the small cot and dealing with Simon’s constant jittering when his nightmares were active. Hopefully the horrors would allow him a brief break but he had never been particularly lucky.

 

It seemed as if the darkness of the wall attempted to reach for him with thousands of hands, groping blindly as Camille laughed over and over in his mind. The visions changed constantly and it was like blood was everywhere, soaking his clothes and smudged all over his skin as he shook. He felt as if his skin was itching to a point where he was just a sack to contain the bugs crawling under his skin. After hours upon hours to began to drive him insane, scratch marks etching into all of his skin before healing in front of his eyes and he was truly unsure what was reality and what was the torture he was forced to endure. Before was bad, but _this_ was the worst terror he had ever experienced. He would rather take the six months now, he needed anything but this horrifying darkness. None of this was warned, Raphael didn’t tell him this would happen. It was _his_ fault the visions got so bad and if he just wasn’t in front of the door, Simon could be free. He _needed_ to be free, and it was time to do anything in his power to get it.

 

Rotation after rotation, he twirled the chain over his forearm until the strong metal chain was taut before pulling hard. The cement broke as if it were as soft as jello, the loud crack waking Raphael. He stood immediately, pushing Simon back.

 

“What are you doing?” He demanded, shoulders squared. Simon jumped back up, getting right in Raphael’s face.

 

“Let me _out_." Simon growled, glaring daggers into the vampire. “These, my visions, they’re horrible! I can’t live like this!”

 

“You’re staying here. You’re dangerous right now, to everyone.” Raphael cut off any idea of escape, Simon scoffing.

 

“You really think you can stop me when I just tore through a _cement_ wall?” Simon pushed closer, closer to the door, closer to escape, closer to Raphael. “I won’t ask again, let me out.”

 

“Try it, the wall was the easy way.” Raphael replied, unimpressed and standing his ground. “Please, lay back down before you do something you’ll regret.” Simon lunged to fight but Raphael was already grabbing the loose chain that tightened with a sickening crunch around Simon’s arm and pulled Simon’s face to meet his fist. Collapsed and weakened, Simon tried to get back up only to have the last thing he saw was Raphael’s shoe before it was lights out.

Waking again, the visions were gone as pain bubbled all over all over his face and arm. He was back on the cot, body exhausted and throbbing. Simon clutched his arm closer and groaned in pain.

 

“Are you done?” Raphael asked, peering over him. Simon squinted at him.

 

“That was unnecessary.”

 

“So was waking me up.”

 

“You could’ve been nicer.” Simon objected, feeling down his arm for fractures.

 

“I was nice.” Simon’s head shot up, giving Raphael an offended look and getting a shrug in return. “I didn’t break your glasses. I said _please_.”

 

“Oh, thank you _so_ much.” He rolled over, steadying himself against the wall. The metal cuff was gone off his wrist, useless now without a strong tether.

 

“Look, you’re angry. But if I had let you go, you would have either run straight to Camille or tore into the first mundane you saw. You’re lucky, you’re on the back end of all this, you were unconscious for the majority of the time Camille’s blood was active.”

 

“Yay me.” Simon mumbled, returning to avoiding the cold with Raphael’s jacket. “I think I’m having less fun than you, just so you know.”

 

“Your blood is all over my clothes, I have to burn this whole outfit to avoid suspicion with Camille.”

 

“Well if you can’t wear this around Camille, I’m keeping it.” Simon grumbled. “It’s warm.” Raphael let out a grunt, clearly not happy with the idea.

 

“Whatever. Just tell me when you don’t feel well.”

 

“I don’t feel well.”

 

“ _Besides_ your face and your arm.”

 

\---

 

It took a short while, between Raphael having to feed him and sleeping because there was nothing else to do. Simon began shivering and feeling cold even with both his and Raphael’s jacket, sneezing and coughing hard. It was another pain in Simon’s ass but Raphael seemed to finally be relieved. “Good. Your sickness means that your body has overpowered the majority of the blood. You shouldn’t get visions anymore. It’s time to go home.” Lifting him gently, Raphael stepped out into the moonlight and walked without using his advanced speed. Simon curled into his strong arms by instinct, hacking hard. The walk was peaceful, the soft breeze caressing his cheeks. Compared to how cold his body felt even Raphael felt warm, Simon’s head resting on his shoulder with his nose pressed against the other’s throat. He was very confused on how the brush to his nose didn’t fill him with searing pain.

 

“My nose doesn’t hurt. My _arm_ doesn’t hurt?” Simon observed, tone getting more confused as the sentence continued. Raphael had to adjust his hands to keep Simon steady so they could both avoid the pain of the human being dropped on his toes.

 

“Yeah, it’s part of the healing potion. I wouldn’t have considered violence as a method if you wouldn’t have healed by the time I returned you.”

 

“Oh. So you hurt me, but you didn’t want to… Hurt me?”

 

“I didn’t want to hurt you, I wanted to put you back in your place. You thought you could overpower me.”

 

“Sorry. I think… Camille’s blood fed on some of some angry that I had inside.” There was silence afterward, Simon just watching as the night past by them and the lights of the city started to return.

 

“Shouldn’t… You go faster so we don’t raise suspicion?”

 

“Do you _want_ to vomit?”

 

“Point taken.”


	3. Heat Equilibrium

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> raphael is soft and simon knows it.

After arguing that they had been walking around aimlessly for twenty minutes, Raphael finally could walk in the right direction to Simon's house. How was he supposed to drop Simon off when the other just assumed he knew? When they arrived Raphael was gentle as he allowed Simon out of his arms, waiting until Simon’s feet were firmly on the ground before pulling back. Simon’s hands remained on his shoulders, looking over Raphael’s face as even with the reassurances managed to remain worried. “Do you have to go? What if it comes back?”

 

“I doubt it will. Would your entire mental crisis be averted if you had a way to contact me?” Raphael asked, Simon chewing his lip before reluctantly nodding. He typed his number into Raphael’s phone when it was offered, sending himself a text to receive when his phone was brought back from the grave. Simon snorted a little at the thought of both his phone and Raphael had both returned and debated on sharing with the vampire. His slightly raised eyebrow at Simon’s random laughter was a no. Simon opted for an awkward cough and a change of subject.

 

“What if it’s daytime?” Simon questioned.

 

“Call _anyone_ else.” He stated in a strong, unwavering tone. “You should be fine now, and it will behave like a normal cold so if you have any medicine, take it. I have to go, but I’ll visit you soon.” Raphael promised, taking Simon’s hands off his shoulders. Simon already felt weak, nodding once.

 

“Yeah, come in whenever.... Adios, I guess.” Raphael’s lips turned up a bit at the corners before he sped off once more into the dying moonlight. Simon unlocked the front door, locking it after himself so he could tiredly decide to let his mom sleep and get yelled at later.

 

Raphael’s first visit did not go well for a plethora of reasons. First off, he almost got his foot caught in all the cords connecting to the computer in front of Simon’s window. A storm of cursing later, he was finally able to check on Simon.

 

The mundane was not in a good state, hair stuck to his forehead with sweat as his shivers shook him profusely. There was sweating out a fever and then there was the inordinate amount of blankets covering him. Taking a few steps forward, Raphael rested his hand on Simon’s forehead to gauge his temperature, Simon pressing his face immediately into the cold sensation and sighing in relief. It didn’t seem he was very coherent but it was affectionate in this state, using Raphael’s arm as a makeshift teddy bear. To say the situation wasn’t ideal was putting it lightly, but Simon did not vomit on him during the entire process it was possible to let it slide. More importantly, Raphael began pushing the blanket off to let Simon breathe. It didn’t help because with one unexpected yank, Raphael was sucked into the hot bed with Simon pressed against his ice cold body and seeming to tiredly moan in relief.

 

He had planned to do a quick five minute check up that had quickly turned into an hour because Simon was dead asleep on top of him. Was he suffocating, no, that requires the need to breathe, could he move the mundane off of him with ease? Totally different topic. True, even the smallest push could move Simon off but he certainly didn’t stay gone and just curled right back up and went back to snoring immediately. Was there a _small_ urge for murder? Yes, but Raphael certainly did not put all that work in saving his life twice to have Simon die until he was at _least_ in his forties. Eventually Raphael just gave up, moving so he was more flex and stuck his hand out of the covers for a minute so his skin was _extra_ cold before putting it in Simon’s sweaty hair. He was unaware Simon had even woken up until the man mumbled through a deeper groggy tone as well as a stuffed nose.

 

“You smell… Like, really nice.”  He said, his sickness making him hard to understand but luckily or unluckily, advanced vampire hearing helped a lot.

 

“Do you even know who you dragged in?” Raphael retorted, glancing down at Simon and waved a hand slowly in front of his squinting eyes. Simon snorted, resting his nose back in Raphael’s neck which seemed to be becoming his favorite spot.

 

“And like… Really _soft_?” He continued, scrunching up Raphael’s blazer in his hand.

 

“That would be a _no_.” Talking mainly to himself, Raphael let out a soft sigh. “Ve a dormir ahora. Buenas noches.” He said quietly, letting Simon rest for an hour or two more before he replaced himself with one of Simon’s pillows and readied to make his escape back out the window. With one last glance, Simon seemed to have a furrowed brow as if even in sleep he wondered why he was so hot once more. Even if Simon was conscious enough to ask him to stay, his visiting time was over and Camille had her eye on him after his brief disappearance. Even though Raphael _detested_ the worried bubble in his stomach for what was nothing more than another of Camille’s messes to clean up, he debated on bringing something next time to assist in Simon’s recovery which is more than he would allow himself to do for most. Thoughts and feelings were stuffed in the back of his mind where they belonged as the vampire returned to the night once more.

 

_From Simon 9:47AM_

 

_Good news!_

 

_9:47AM_

 

_I had the weirdest dream but my fever broke! Yay!_

 

_9:58AM_

 

_Wait, what time is it?_

_10:02AM_

 

_Shit._

 

_From Raphael 10:26AM_

 

_Did you /finally/ realize you’re texting me at my 3AM?_

 

_From Simon 10:28AM_

 

_Shit, sorry. Buenas noches._

 

_From Raphael 10:37AM_

 

_You remember that?_

 

Simon stared at his phone screen confused. Maybe he was reading wrong? He did just take the strong stuff when it comes to cold medicine. After a quick nap, sleep assisted him in realizing he was not reading incorrectly.

 

_From Simon 11:43AM_

 

_What are you talking about? You said that in my dream, after some stuff I didn’t understand._

 

_From Raphael 11:49AM_

 

_I was telling you to go to sleep. That wasn’t a dream._

 

Simon shot up in bed and nearly coughed up both lungs in shock. He was joking. He had to be joking.

 

_From Simon 12:00PM_

 

_You’re joking._

 

_From Raphael 12:02PM_

 

_No. You said I was soft before you resumed drooling on me._

 

_From Simon 12:14PM_

 

_Double shit._

 

_From Raphael 12:15PM_

 

_If you’re done, I let you sleep, so it’s my turn. If I get another text before eight, I’m blocking you._

 

His threat wasn’t as strong as it probably would have been if he was fully awake and Simon thanked his stars from being saved from that scathing spitfire. The texts unlocked new information though. Simon had forced himself into Raphael’s space, and the vampire hadn’t rejected him. In fact, he stayed. Over and over, Raphael had gone beyond his expectations. Saving his life twice, willing to be rough if it mean he didn’t do something he would regret, visiting him afterward even after there was almost no chance that he would die, and helped regulate his temperature even.

 

There was a point where Raphael could have stopped, given him the potion and let what happened happen. He didn’t even _have to_ give Simon the potion at all and Magnus’ work wasn’t free. A new feeling was in Simon’s chest, besides the soreness from all his coughing, that he couldn’t quite place. Shivers ran done his back even though his heated body still craved the comforting cold. He drafted a text to Clary but erased it, deeming she wasn’t the person to ask. Maybe what he felt was just… Side effects. The relief and comfort he felt as Raphael took him into his arms and he watched how the moonlight reflected off his dark, calculating eyes. Magic was weird, the whole Shadow World was weird and the fluttering in his chest was only from phlegm and whatever was in that potion. Simon stared at his ceiling a little longer before laying on his side once more to sleep. Yeah, that was… The only solution. Nothing more.


	4. Chicken Soup for the Soul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon puts a few of the pieces together as Raphael continues to care for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was written solely for me, who is sick, and is not lucky enough to have a grumpy caring vampire at my beck and call. the ball will really start rolling tomorrow, i just didn't want to make this chapter huge. also i promised an update before i went to bed and it's almost six am, AND i work today, so enjoy some fluff. hopefully there isn't any mistakes but, again, it's almost six am.

A very unsettling feeling washed over Raphael as he slipped into Simon’s window for another night, only to find the other man nowhere to be found. His phone remained by his bed but the sheets were cold. It was too late for him to be walking around, the point of arriving so late was to avoid disturbing the house and being found out by either of the women who lived there. Letting out a frustrated noise, he craned his head to hear if anyone was awake. Sure enough, there was snuffling from the lower level but that was no guarantee to who it was. Speed and silence was key here.

 

He sped around the house, pausing behind a few doors to evade no further detection past than a shadow in the peripherals for anyone's eyes he could've caught. In the end, it was only Simon in the kitchen standing with his back to Raphael as he faced the sink. Raphael smirked slightly in relief.

 

“Shouldn’t sick little boys be in bed?” He chastised, leaning casually against the door frame.

 

“I thought you weren’t coming.” Simon shot back before turning and upon seeing his face, Raphael’s confidence disappeared. There was a dark red streak coming from the side of his lips, the sticky liquid dripping off his chin. Pushed into action, Raphael shot forward and cradled Simon’s head in his hands to examine closer.

 

“Oh my God, is that-”

 

“Nyquil? Yes. My lips are too chapped to actually work around the spoon. Excuse the slobber.” Simon confirmed as he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. Raphael sighed, letting him go and stepping back.

 

“Don’t scare me like that.” He scolded softly, Simon chuckling before letting out a few good coughs into his elbow.

 

“No, I’m f-fine.” His voice was hoarse and weak but his tone was genuine as another cough attack struck. “At least, on that front. You might want to step back a little more as I am _overrun_ with _disease_.” The vampire didn’t move from his spot, shrugging without care.

 

“Dead people can’t get sick.” Simon squinted, seeming to process the information slower than normal before nodding.

 

“Ohhh… Oh!” Perking up and adjusting his robe, he pulled Raphael into a big hug.

 

“That is not an excuse to touch me. Is there a reason for this?”

 

“Yes! I had _pancakes_ this morning!” Simon said excitedly after getting a few awkward pats on the back. They both stared at each other, Simon looking pleased as punch while Raphael was still trying to follow the tracks of the other’s train of thought. Silence continued until Simon decided to explain. “And the syrup was _syrup!_ ” As if adding that helped, he motioned his hands with the sudden energy he felt.

 

“Congratulations.” Raphael finally answered with a lost deadpan. Simon decided that it was now time for a hug that also involved jumping.

 

“Yes yes _yes!_ It was syrup! _Maple_ syrup! No blood! I got to enjoy _food_ in peace! And _coffee!_ I mean, I definitely had to throw up a lot of it because I ate too much in my relief but wow!” Letting Raphael go finally, he put both hands on either of the older one’s face, much to Raphael’s surprise. “I know I was really ungrateful, especially when the worst of it was happening but you didn’t have to help me at _all_. You could’ve left me to die, to hurt someone I cared about. I guess I never thought about that, that I was in pain but you had helped me so much, and even though I’m sick, I am _safe_. _Thank_ you, Raphael. It’s one of the nicest things someone has done for me, and even after all that, you’re still here. Thank you, for more than being here.” Simon’s gruff voice was as soft as it could get in its ill state, Raphael staring deep into his eyes to find if the words were earnest and true and was unable to find any treachery.

 

“...I’m glad.” He finally replied, tearing his own eyes away and was glad his feeding was not recent enough for his cheeks to heat under the strong affectionate gaze. Simon patted his face before stepping back.

 

“I have to stop talking about food though. I ate all the soup cans already even if I want more and the only thing I can cook myself is some pretty bomb ass mac and cheese, which I am banned from. My mother is convinced that if I ate dairy or citrus right now I would die _immediately_.” Simon said offhandedly in a very dramatic voice then wincing when Raphael frowned. “Sorry, too soon?” A change of subject was offered instead.

 

“You really have to be able to take care of yourself. I’ve been dead for longer than I was alive and I still remember how to cook.” Simon blew a raspberry childishly.

 

“Oh _excuse_ me, but I’ve only been alive for… Less than you.” As the cold medicine started to kick in, his comebacks were a lot weaker.

 

“You are truly pathetic.” Raphael said with no heat, sitting Simon down and squatting to meet his eye level. “What does the pitiful sick boy want?” Simon huffed, assuming he was joking but was shocked when he continued to wait for an answer.

 

“Seriously?”

 

“Yeah. Who do you think made your meals when you were in the cabin?” Simon stared forward at him, conflicted.

 

“Were they good?” He questioned curiously and got a backhand smack to his shoulder. “What! I was in too much pain, I don’t remember! You could have fed me anything!” There was a brief pause, Simon conflicted. “Do you mind… Like, mixing some chicken broth powder into some hot water?”

 

“Is hot water out of your abilities, Simon?” Raphael asked in a patronizing tone, still standing and doing as asked. “Little bit necessary for any pasta.”

 

“No, I just feel bad when you do all the work and we can’t like… Share it, you know?” The pause in conversation was brief, both of them stewing in silence before a hot mug was pressed into Simon’s hands.

 

“Who knows. You might get used to it.” Raphael stated in a way that left Simon guessing what he actually meant. Did he mean he would get used to eating alone, or just… He didn’t let his mind wander into the thought of Raphael leaving his clan in the night to spoil a mundane, the idea laughable in itself. Yet still, he was returned to his bed as Raphael seemed to know how many blankets were needed to keep him from overheating. Warmth was the best excuse he had for his flushed face when in the back of his mind, a little voice whispered at the possibility of a mistake leading to an excuse to pull Raphael in once more. A cold hand on his face shocked him out of his small daydream.

 

“Are you hot?” Raphael asked and Simon lied. He was perfectly comfortable, his blush intensifying helping his case even if it was a false one.

 

“Yeah. Does it, um, feel like my fever’s coming back?” It was extremely difficult to avoid the feeling of triumph in his chest when worry was etched in Raphael’s brow. “I’m sure it’s fine, I would hate to keep you any longer.” Simon hummed, again stating the opposite from the truth.

 

“Move over.” The vampire huffed, the two sharing the space once more. The most difficult aspect wasn't space but repressing the shivers being pressed against Raphael’s skin caused for multiple reasons. Simon wasn’t even aware he had fallen asleep, only aware of the emptiness of the bed when he was awake once more. He slumped downstairs, the hot drink in the middle of the night unable to keep him stated. Only more confusion waited for him in the kitchen where soup was simmering on low.

 

“Mom?! Did you make this?!” Simon had to shout to be heard in the other room.

 

“No, I thought it was a gift from a friend of yours?” His mother shouted back.

 

“Oh, wow, yeah, totally forgot! You know how cough medicine is and stuff!” It wasn’t from his mom. He told Raphael he wanted soup last night. Rebecca burns everything she touches. All these facts lead to one very simple one.

  
He was fucked.


	5. Loss of Coin Toss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon and Raphael both address the new changes in their respective lives and what to do about them.

The soup was perfect, _damn_ him. Simon had finally decided to sit down and think everything through for once in his life with a hot bowl of soup that must have been cooking all night. That stupid vampire couldn’t even taste his stupid food and it was still great, what an asshole. There were more pressing matters at the moment of course but right now he was allowed to grumble, especially mourning the untasted cooking he had a few days ago.

 

Now, Simon already knew that he was pansexual, he figured that out years ago, the issue was that he never felt like that for anyone but Clary. When his sexuality was in question, it was more of who he was attracted to rather than who he was willing to date and that had always been Clary. Clary who only referred to him as a friend, her best friend but still. Clary who wouldn't answer his calls when he was terrified of his own demise. None of what happened was completely her fault, she was introduced to this new world and she was busy. They were friends and Simon was almost uncomfortable to admit even after all these years of waiting, he was starting to see that he wasn't pining after _her_ anymore. Main problem, there was another that he suddenly wanted _so_ badly that it was a supernova compared to his feelings before.

 

His heart remained beating twice now because of Raphael and now it seemed his heart chose to show its gratitude by beating only for him. The situation was terrible, he ached at the thought of when he returned to full health because Raphael would _leave_. Why wouldn't he? There would be no reason to check on him, no reason for the two to remain by the other’s side. His fingers always itched to talk to him, to learn everything there was to know about Raphael… Simon did not know his last name, secretly vowing to ask. Either way, it was hard to get a read on how Raphael felt for him. Simon had never been very good at telling what was just basic kindness and what had romantic intentions as showcased with Clary and Maureen. Clueless was practically his middle name.

 

An idea popped into his head and it was either really dumb or a way to find out. Since it was daytime might be alright to wander out for a short bit. It was a coin toss, literally, he literally left it up to a coin toss. Stealing a coin from a dish, he flipped it high into the air. Heads for he’s an idiot for even thinking of it, tails to go out and be an idiot anyway. It flipped several times through the air before he caught it and turned it onto the back of his hand.

 

_Tails._

 ---

Raphael wished that he could be with Simon without having to worry about the aftermath. His sweat, his scent all seeped into the clothes that needed to be hidden to be washed or rid of, the hard scrubbing all over his skin to leave no trace. Camille remained to wait for Simon to come back begging for her blood to fill his eager mouth once more and her suspicion was growing. In her clans, her vampires were allowed all the pleasures desired as long as they didn’t steal hers. A single wisp of Simon leftover from the man simply resting his head would be disastrous. She would know that Raphael was stealing _and_ going behind her back, as if she left him any other option. Breaking the rules and stealing from others was Camille’s trademark, it was past the time he was allowed something as innocuous as enjoying cleaning up her messes for once.

 

“Aren’t you a little old to be cutting it so close to dawn?” She questioned after he had just finished Simon’s souprise, stopping him before he could turn in for the day. It was risky, very risky, if she had caught him when he first came in there would be hell to pay.

 

“Says the person who’s still up.” Raphael shot back, trying to keep up the facade that she had power over him. She laughed quietly, amused.

 

“Fair enough. Just curious, you used to always just guard the hotel like a puppy.”

 

“Maybe I found something that killed the time. Always hard to stay entertained when you have all the time in the world.” Camille thought she knew everything about his actions when in reality he just made his answers sound less vague than no answer.

 

“Oh? Any new vices I should know about?” Prying harder, it was obvious she was looking for something instead of being actually interested in any of her vampire’s lives.

 

“Anything I can say that you haven’t tried?” He evaded, giving her a knowing look. She paused, scanning him to see if there was anything different before giving off a soft chuckle and rolling her eyes.

 

“Probably not.” Scoffing, she took her leave and Raphael was almost tempted to let out a sigh to help the small tension in his chest disperse. Instead, he waited until his coffin was creaked closed with him inside to glance at his phone and peering over old messages.

 

This wasn’t good, he was too exposed. Uncertainty clouded his thoughts, unsure why he was even to drawn to Simon or why he was easy to convince to accept and receive affection. How innocent were Simon’s intentions?  At any point past his detox, he could’ve pushed away any further contact but he didn’t.

 

He just had a cold, he was fine and had two perfectly working arms but the aloof air Raphael was used to seeing in himself had changed. Into what, he had no idea. The only thing that was certain that it was something he was not allowed to feel for a very long time…. A _very_ long time. He was drawn in a way he had first excused as hunger for the blood Camille had assured was tasty, yet when he tried to imagine his fangs sinking in…. His stomach curdled instead of ached.

 

What was Simon getting out of this? Life had taught him even before he turned that no one was truly innocent, everyone wanted something. Some people were just quieter than others. The contact could be minimal but Simon had texted him, updated him as if he assumed Raphael wanted to know. Strangest thing was, he did want to know and he felt protectiveness for someone outside his family, his clan. Protective, yes, but until all came to the light, there was _no_ trust. With all the effort Raphael was putting in for a mundane, there had to be  _something_ and it better be worth it.

\---

For the first time since their visits had started, Simon’s light was still on and his window wide open. Raphael was not happy, since Simon _should_ be sleeping to get better and the breeze blowing through the trees alerted him it was far too cold for the mundane to leave _anything_ open. With one large jump he grabbed onto the windowsill, Simon scaring him out of his skin when he poked his head out. The desk must’ve been moved. “Raphael!” He stated, expression still with wide eyes as if he was not warned of the other’s arrival. “.... Hello! Hola!”

 

“...Hola.” Raphael greeted in return, confused but glad he hadn’t let go on accident. They stared at each other for a minute since Simon had not budged from blocking the window. Simon seemed to snap back to himself, straightening up.

 

“I… I have, something, for um, you, to, have, instead of me having, since it’s for you.” There was more staring as Simon seemed frozen to his spot and in a minute there would be claw marks if Raphael was supposed to stay out there for any longer. “Shit, um, won’t you, won’t you come in?” He offered nervously as he finally stepped back. Raphael climbed inside, closing the window behind him. “Sorry, forgot you guys need to be like, let into places.”

 

“You’ve invited me before. You just didn’t _move_.” Raphael reminded, his alarms getting louder at the strange behavior. Simon turned so he could silently curse and kick himself for being so dumb with his new crush. A change of subject was needed and provided. “You shouldn’t leave your window open, it’s too cold to leave it open even if you were in perfect health.”

 

“I thought you couldn’t feel cold, though?”

 

“I know it’s not summer, and I know the autumn winds are not warm.” There was certainly a focus on his vampiric aspects tonight, asking but not listening from Simon as he chewed his thumbnail. “Is there a reason you have a _thing_ for me?” Simon’s head shot up, eyes wild.

 

“Who said that?!” Raphael furrowed his brows.

 

“You did. You said you had something for me, why?” Simon had his entire mind trying to figure out how his untold secret had somehow got out, on the edge of collapsing in relief when he was still safe.

 

“You did something, many somethings if I’m being honest, for me so I thought… I should, something, too.”

 

“You’re very shifty.”

 

“Yeah that’s, totally, the um, crazy prescription strength meds I started taking today, no other particular reason that I, myself, can personally think of. Can I um, give it to you now? The thing? The something?” With Simon’s erratic behavior, this felt like a trap. Why there would be a trap wasn’t known, but the man in front of him had a very _close_ connection with a shadowhunter. How much Raphael had helped Simon did not matter, a shadowhunter never misses an opportunity to spit in a downworlder’s eye. Raphael gave a tense nod, focusing all his senses. Simon chewed his lip, his nervousness not making him easier to trust. “Do you mind shutting your eyes?”

 

“I do.” Raphael answered in a stern tone, Simon adjusting his glasses but accepting it as he opened his door and grabbed his something from the hallway. When he offered it forward to Raphael, the vampire was even more confused than before. Presented in a colorful vase, Simon was offering him flowers. The most ironic flower possible to give to a child of the night, sunflowers. Simon’s hands were sweating and shaking so much it was a surprise that the glass didn’t just slip out. Since Raphael had not accepted his offering yet, Simon took it as a sign to explain.

 

“I just thought, you are like, you. And you can’t enjoy the sun because it’s _awful_ and so much is like… Muddled to you, because night is… Dark. So I thought, I might present you with these that are still just as bright in the dark. Well, not like, pitch black because then you can’t see anything but like, maybe some  _low_ lighting-”

 

“What do you want?” Raphael asked, arms crossed. Simon’s expression fell a bit, but there was no pity in his unbeating heart. “Everyone wants something, and you wouldn’t have done this without reason.” Simon stared at him for a minute, looking down and curling his arms protectively around the vase.

 

“You’re right. You’re always right, Raphael. There is a reason, I do want something. It’s unfair to ask of you, after all you’ve done for me though and what I want isn’t important. The flowers, they’re just a kind gesture, nothing more, and I would really appreciate if you would take them.” He stated, his fidgeting gone as he pressed the vase against Raphael’s chest. If it wasn’t accepted or if Raphael stepped back, it would shatter. The silence stretched and Simon just waited for the sound of the glass hitting the floor. To his surprise, there was the soft clink of Raphael’s nails against the glass as he accepted it. Simon glanced up, shocked. Raphael’s expression had softened and he radiated remorse.

 

“...It is important.” He finally spoke, fingertips brushing over the soft petals. “What you want. What is it?” Simon’s heart was racing and it was a pounding drum in the vampire’s ears.

 

“I would never demand it, but, maybe asking, wouldn’t… Hurt.” He was suffocating, coughing as if his physical illness was the cause. Raphael’s eyes weren’t untrustful as Simon found out after he could only met them for a second, simply searching and soft. Rubbing his hands together, he let out a big breath before facing the other with all the courage he could muster. “Can I kiss you?” Simon requested, voice so quiet as if he almost hoped he went unheard so he didn’t embarrass himself.

 

There it was, Simon had slammed his cards down on the table for Raphael to see and he was _shocked_. He had readied himself for hurt, for a cruel joke, but not this. His still heart was not prepared for a positive outcome, as it never is. His eyes were wide as he waited for a joke, Simon to pull back and laugh at him but it wasn’t coming. The other man just remained shy and squirmish of the silence that even a mundane could hear a pin drop in.

  
“Or… You could kiss me, you don’t have to...” His body was shrinking into itself, his voice cracking more from sickness or more likely nervousness. Raphael turned, placing the vase to the side before pulling Simon in close so fast that it probably made him dizzy. It did, but Simon have a care in the world. Raphael’s eyes took one more dip into his and then their lips were pressed together in the _softest_ kiss either of them had ever had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> simon where the fuck is he gonna put those flowers they'll be the most alive thing in the whole hotel


	6. Clear Skies Before Murky Mornings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raphael and Simon discuss the leftover feelings for Clary as they are allowed to be comfortable together for the first time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! First off, I'm SO sorry that this took so long. This fic only has like two main arcs and I'm having some serious trouble connecting the two! My sister is the only person I know who's seen ANY of the show and she's still on s1e3 so it's hard to discuss if plot is realistic or the characters are solid when she doesn't have much of the information. also, work sucks, being sick sucks. i only really get the chance to write these between 3 to 6 am. HOPEFULLY i manage to find the connection so i can get to the second arc soon but again, even as someone who watches the show, my sister does not really ship saphael so it's EXTRA HARD! still, i hope y'all enjoy!

Simon’s skin burned against Raphael’s in a way that finally wasn’t worrying. It was amusing, actually, to pull back from the still rough texture of his lips and to see how his face glowed red. Their small action had stunned him silent, a feat in itself.

 

“Is that why you were so nervous?” Raphael questioned, his thumb caressing over Simon’s cheek. Simon was too sheepish to answer yet, instead returning with a question himself.

 

“Why were you so testy?”

 

“You were fidgeting. You know I hate fidgeting.” Raphael answered in a half joking tone, getting a small laugh from Simon. Their respective heavy weights were lifted off both their shoulders, Simon’s heart beating still loud as he nuzzled his face in Raphael’s throat. It seemed to a fond soft spot for him and it was almost comedic how the mundane’s mouth rested against his throat instead of the other way around. Their position was as comfortable as the silence around them, waiting to be broken with Raphael’s chuckles buzzing against Simon’s lips. “You’re shameless.”

 

“That’s true, but you’re going to have to be more specific.” Simon murmured back, closing his eyes to rest and hope his breath wasn’t too ticklish on the other’s skin.

 

“You weren’t feverish.” Raphael stated, Simon’s face heating up further and stiffening against him as his mind searched for a lie with solid reasoning.

 

“I was! Just... Not...  _Recently_...” The cop-out was pathetic, only serving to amuse Raphael further.

 

“You should lay back down.” Raphael concluded before Simon could embarrass himself further. Simon agreed, watching to make sure he didn’t knock over the flowers as he pulled them both back towards the warmth his sheets offered. Raphael did not object, calm washing over Simon as he no longer needed an excuse today for the more than attractive man to rest beside him.

 

They were both tucked in tight under the covers, enough for their bodies to touch while the sickly human got most of the blankets since cold was not a problem for one of them. Simon rested his head on his hand to simply look over Raphael’s features as it was also something he was only recently allowed to do. His mind wandered to the ideas of the unknown such as how the other looked unstyled or fresh out of bed and it was harder to imagine than it seemed. The details didn’t quite matter just yet, the two having much time to figure each other out. It was still new, the newest of beginnings.

 

He gave Raphael a soft kiss on the cheek, only to have his chin caught when he attempted to pull away. Raphael’s thumb swiped over a spot where his lower lip had cracked, a small amount of blood smudging from the cut.

 

“You’re playing a very dangerous game.” Their eyes met as Raphael sucked the small bit from his thumb, leaning forward and running his tongue over the source. Simon shuddered and it wasn’t clear if it was from arousal or a tinge of fear. Camille was right, there was a taste to his blood that one would not expect.

  
“I trust you.” Simon replied softly and catching his vampire companion off guard.

 

“That’s surprising.”

 

“You had many chances to drain me dry.” Simon shrugged, wrapping his arms around Raphael’s waist to hold him close while his counterpart had an arm around his shoulder. “I’m just excited about this totally new development. I feel like I should tell someone.”

 

“You shouldn’t.” Raphael said in an apologetic voice, the shoe on the other foot as Simon looked up in shock and eyes begging for an explanation. “... Camille’s looking for you. She knows from her previous captives that it’s far past the time that they come back. She’s angry you got away.” Simon chewed his lip, trying to scoot back to give Raphael space who only pulled him closer. “I’m not ashamed of you Simon. If the waters were calm in the shadow world, I wouldn’t mind you shouting what we are from the highest rooftop. It’s not safe for you. Camille can’t know I helped you at all. Her power is quaking but still strong. We’ve already hurt you, I can admit to that but if you got hurt _again_...” His voice trailed off, expression too angry to finish. Simon paused for a brief moment, letting the information stew. Not many people appeared to be allowed in Raphael’s company but were held tight if and when they managed to gain passage. He reached forward, cupping and stroking Raphael’s cheek as the other did after their first kiss.

 

“I’ll do my best to be careful. I can’t promise anything, because even if… Clary’s still my best friend, and I would follow her anywhere.” Honesty was the best option in this situation and Raphael gladly took the open door for a change of topic.

 

“You like _her_. You like _me_.” The older man observed, putting his hand over where Simon’s skin was warming his cold cheek. Simon glanced away to gather his whizzing thoughts, his very stagnant life suddenly flashing by in such short time.

 

“She likes me. You _like_ like me.”

 

“Mature way of putting it.” Raphael deadpanned in a clearly unsatisfied tone, forcing Simon to try again with his answer who released a heavy sigh.

 

“She... We... Clary and I have been friends forever. I’ve had feelings for her for a long time. Those are both facts. When you… Released me...”

 

“Saved your life for the _first_ time, for the sake of the vampires.”

 

“Do you want an answer or not?” Simon asked, the silence from Raphael telling him that his new… Whatever they were would keep his comments in as long as he could. “When you let me go, we had a talk, and I was so out of it. She said she couldn’t live without me and it was like the highest of the highs of my life, like I had been patient, and this was the moment, our moment and the start of a completely new chapter of our relationship. We both realized how important we both were to each other, and it was great. And then… She said that I was her best friend, and gave me a kiss on the cheek, which was like, the most physical affection I had ever gotten from someone that important to me.” He paused, adding a small side note. “At the time. It might have changed, since then.” His voice was a shy, soft whisper. Raphael’s nails scratched extremely lightly on his scalp to be just pleasurable enough to assure the young man that he was still listening without the large claws causing any pain.

 

“So, in that moment, it hit me, more than anyone’s advice to move on, more than any other factor, that that’s all we would be. Should be, probably. She had said it time and time again, and I guess which my brain still going in high gear, I realized that, again, we are best friends. I had to take her words for their value and stop hoping for that next chapter and just instead…. Close the book. Maybe even...” Lifting his head, he met the vampire’s deep, dark eyes. “Open a different one.”

 

“She still has things to offer that I can’t.” Raphael spoke, moving his head back on the pillow. “Daytime activities. Nighttime activities not confined to this room alone. The ability to be seen together. Wearing each other’s clothes.”

 

“I would rip all of Clary’s clothes, and she would just steal all my jackets. A jacketless life is cold, Raphael, which is why I’m slowly swindling all of yours. You know this.” Simon objected, Raphael almost laughing as his eyes caught the jacket Simon had previously stolen right at that moment.

 

“You can have _one_ , as you already ruined my newest in the collection.”

 

“Shush, let’s not discuss the knife on knife situation from before. Point is, humans are ever changing. It’s nice to have my affection be acknowledged, even though you saw it as a threat. It’s _real_ nice to have it even a little bit reciprocated.” He admitted, taking his hand back and rested against the cold skin of his neck once more.

 

“I can’t keep the flowers.”

 

“You don’t have to. I’ll tell Clary they’re from a secret admirer. That will stay secret, for both of our safeties.”

 

“Both?” Raphael’s confused voice rang.

 

“You know. She didn’t really see the initial sparing of my life as a ‘save’ and she doesn’t know about the other one, and our time together that I can’t tell her about so, yeah, you’d be in trouble.” Simon’s joking made the mood much lighter, keeping both their hearts from becoming heavy when Simon had to wake up alone in the morning once more.


	7. Calm Before the Storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry for the wait, I've been trying to work out some knots in the plot for this fits and some upcoming ones and it took a little longer than I planned! Thank you to everyone who commented and left kudos, it really kept me hopeful as I wrote and thanks to all of you for remaining patient! 
> 
> As always, this is not beta read so if you have any questions, comments or concerns, let me know! Thanks!

Camille was more than suspicious by now. No matter what was being hidden, she viewed the clan in the DuMort with critical, doubting eyes.  She acted as if she was the true Caesar, the entire group having a knife to stab in her back. Which wasn't true, not _everyone_ did. Raphael might as well have already caused a war from how intense he felt her spotlight gaze . Instead of her usual small requests, she stated a laundry list of the most meaningless tasks. Raphael’s feet pounded against the ground. By the time he arrived at Simon’s home once more, his body felt thirty pounds heavier with his exhaustion. His eyes stared up at the window, almost glaring at it. Of course on most days it was a short jump, but circling around New York made even remaining awake a trying task.

 

_From Raphael 4:26AM_

 

_Simon do you mind if, for once, I use the front door?_

 

He sent the message, resting his weary body against the side of the house as his shoes sunk into the dirt below. This boy was eliminating every wardrobe item he had.

 

_From Simon 4:28AM_

 

_Haha, now who’s texting at /my/ three AM? Yeah, go ahead. My mom’s been asking who’s been stomping in her garden. I took the blame, since the mud’s in my room. :) I’m in the bath, but I’ll be out soon. I think the door’s unlocked._

 

Raphael looked at the plants under his feet. It was fall. They would die soon anyway. Who cares.

 

_From Raphael 4:28AM_

 

_Leaving the door unlocked is dangerous._

 

_From Simon 4:29AM_

 

_When it comes to you, I like a little danger. ;)_

 

Raphael scoffed, walking around to the front door and cleaning his shoes on the mat. Removing his shoes, he crept inside after shifting both locks on the door behind him. Heavy feet trotted up all the stairs, past all the other rooms. His eyes flickered to the light from under the bathroom door in the mess of darkness of the hall. Hearing the soft gurgle of draining water, he past the door. Upon arrival to the correct room, to Simon’s bed, he fell on it immediately and let out a soft groan of relief. He threw off the belt and jacket that met his shoes on the ground. From the newfound comfort moaned in relief  and buried his face in the softness of the three pillows on the bed. His tired mind drifted, only snapping back to weak awareness when the door creaked open.

 

When he mustered the energy to turn his head, Simon was smiling and leaning against the frame. He was beautiful, even in the weak light. His skin remained flushed down to his chest from the hot water, hair curling everywhere. His glasses were slipping down his nose, his playful eyes ghosting over the rim of the spectacles. His robe was slipping open, giving off a relaxed a lazy presence. “Someone looks more dead than usual.” Simon joked, causing Raphael to glare and roll over. Simon chuckled, pushing Raphael in the bed a bit more so he could lay behind him.

 

His arms wrapped around Raphael’s waist, lips trailing soft kisses from the base of the neck to behind the ear. Everything about him was so warm and soft, comforting. It forced Raphael to become even more drowsy with his eyelids becoming as weighted as the rest of him. “You know,” Simon began, smiling wide on how Raphael’s head moved towards his voice on instinct. “I’m feeling a lot better. You don’t have to strain yourself to see me. I’ll still be here tomorrow.”

 

“I know. I don’t want to but… We might have to go to a text only type deal for a while.” Raphael admitted, Simon letting out a whine. “But I’ve been thinking… Maybe we could… Go on a date.”

 

“A date, as we go text only. I’m getting slightly mixed signals.” Simon replied, confused.

 

“In the future. The winter solstice. The longest night of the year. It’s a big day, for us. Camille is usually distracted, so, it couldn’t hurt to... Maybe...” He turned to look at his boyfriend, who was offering the biggest smile and bright excited eyes.

 

“Really?” Simon asked, voice cracking with excitement. Raphael snorted, nodding and shifting their positions so he may lay his head on Simon’s chest. His heart was booming as his hand curled into Raphael’s messy curls, ruining what remained styled.

 

“Yes. It’s in December but-”

 

“I already can’t wait.” Simon interrupted, holding Raphael closer. Raphael softened, yawning in spite of himself. “Time will be as painful as when I was almost turned into a vampire.”

 

“But you didn’t.”

 

“Yeah, thanks to you it was just some...” Snorts erupted from Simon, causing Raphael to squint at him in confusion. “Premature e _drac_ ulation.” Raphael smacked him in the mouth, causing the younger man to burst into unhinged laughter. “I’m so sorry.”

 

“You’re not.”

 

“I’m not. I have more bad jokes. Are you Pavlov? Cuz you’re makin’ my mouth water.” Raphael’s hand tightened over Simon’s mouth, giving him an almost pleading look.

 

“Stop. Please?” He asked, Simon’s giggles slowly dying out as he kissed Raphael’s palm. Raphael let out a soft sigh.  His hand moved to cup Simon’s cheek instead give his sweet lips the most gentle kiss he could muster. When he pulled away, those sweet lips chased him for more than he did not allow. “I have to go. It’s getting late.”

 

“Let me get dressed, walk you home. Most of the way home, at least. You cut it so close to dawn for me.” Simon begged, pulling at Raphael as if he could holding the vampire there would make it so he didn't have to leave.

 

“That doesn’t mean you cut it so close for _me_.” Raphael scolded, unfurling from his arms. Simon held his hand for as long as Raphael let him, kissing over each of his knuckles.

 

“I’m gonna spam your inbox.” Simon promised. His earnest tone was charming, causing Raphael to push his hair back and leave a kiss on his cheek.

 

“I promise to be looking for any chance to push up that date.” It was enough to give Simon hope as he handed over Raphael’s items to him. Raphael hated having to go.

 

Walking home, Raphael slammed into any mundane unlucky enough to be in his way. He was too tired to weave, to be invisible. The fact that it helped hide Simon’s scent didn’t hurt. The deep blue sky was turning those pinks and oranges he missed as he arrived home.

 

“You’re back late.” Camille’s voice greeted as soon as he walked through the door.

 

“Don’t make me a delivery boy if you need me here.” Raphael snipped, walking past her and leaving up the stairs without another word. A few of the other vampires stopped him to assure that he was alright but it didn’t take much effort to brush them off. His body was heavy and sunk into the padding of his casket. Too exhausted to care about the wrinkles he would leave on his clothes, his eyes shut to sleep. It seemed only a second past before his phone was buzzing against the floor where it was charging.

 

“What?” Raphael’s gruff voice demanded. The name he put Simon’s number under brightened the screen,  unwilling to answer in anyone else.

 

“Hey, sorry. I stopped to get a bite because you didn’t specify what was going on, but, I’m almost there.”

 

“Almost where?”

 

“To the pier? You texted me to meet you there, just after sunset?” Simon’s confused voice reminded as if the problem at hand was bad memory. Raphael’s sleepy haze snapped immediately, the lid of his casket slamming open.

 

“Simon, call your Shadowhunter friends, I don’t care what bullshit mission they’re on. Do _not_ go to the pier. Go anywhere else.” Raphael ordered, slipping on his still caked in dirt shoes.

 

“What? What’s going on?” Simon questioned, the soft tapping of his walking feet from the other side of the line pausing.

  
“I didn’t send any messages.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That, my friends, is the sound of the pain train rolling into the station


	8. One Last Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to all the people leaving kudos and comments! Yes I see all your comments, even for previous chapters, I will reply to them soon I've honestly just been hoarding them in my inbox for motivation. You guys are totally gonna hate me for this. Pain train is in the station this chapter, I added a mild gore warning just in case any of you are squeamish, that major character death warning was not a joke. The next chapter will come WAY faster than this one but not like TODAY fast cuz it's 8am and I haven't slept. I hope you guys enjoy even if it's sad and I'll see you again REAL soon!

Raphael sprinted through the city, the sky grey and morose by heavy rain clouds. There was only so many ways to the pier, which did Simon take? By Jade Wolf, by the werewolves? Did Simon even know about the werewolves? This was one of the extremely few moments where he wished for a stupid dog. He paused to take a whiff of the air, willing to demean himself to take a page out of the mutts’ book if it made a difference. The smell of the pounding rain almost hid it, but Raphael was too on edge not to notice. There was blood. There was the suffocating smell of blood, blood that was too familiar.

 

His feet moved faster than they ever had, sliding against the wet pavement. An endless stream of shipping containers blurred his vision. The source of the smell was found, forcing him to skid to a stop. Simon was drenched, droplets kaleidoscoping his glasses. Camille’s long nails were embedded into the flesh of his stomach, the boy himself whimpering in pain. The rain must’ve been icy as Simon’s panicked breaths were visible. “Trust the smell of blood to make a vampire come running.” Camille began with a thick condescending tone. Raphael hissed.

 

“Camille! This  _ mundane  _ knows nothing about the Cup! Continuing this foolish play is asking for trouble from the Clave!” He shouted even though all but Simon didn’t need help hearing him over the heavy rain. “What more could you get out of this?!”

 

“My interests don’t remain on the Cup at the moment.” Camille answered, shifting her claws an inch to the left to tear Simon’s skin further. The resulting scream was loud enough to hurt all of their ears but Raphael’s was the only heart that was broken. “My interests concern why my second in command would release a mundane he promised to kill, and then to be as stupid as to go behind my back, for a mundane.” She demanded. The vampires from the DuMort clan seemed uncomfortable with the entire situation. The other, more sinister vampires were almost pleased. Raphael’s eyes were fixated on the injuries on his lover’s stomach, seeping crimson onto the ground. When he could finally look at Camille, filled with an unquenchable rage, her gaze back at him was sardonically pitying.

 

“You know, I thought you were smarter than this. I was hoping that you passed your self-righteousness and chased to taste that I took from him. A taste of blood, you know best that I’ll allow. A taste of romance? From a mortal? How low you’ve fallen.” She spat, her eyes slitting. “What did you think would happen? You would, what, show him a world you haven’t truly seen yourself? How even by the best of standards, you would keep pulling and pulling as he got slower and slower? Barter with him, with death, that you don’t have to go anywhere now that his bones are brittle and you’ve grown stronger? Beg for him not to go, but he will. He will, and he will fade. Your thoughts will fade of them and that’s when mortals die, memories forgotten.” Camille searched Raphael for even a sign that she was wrong, finding nothing but the truth. “Simon will die, like your  _ mother  _ did, your  _ friends  _ after you killed them. I’m just speeding up the process.”

 

One of the vampires from the DuMort clan lifted their hand to reach forward, to stop this madness. A portal appeared, the glow of it behind him signalled the arrival of the shadowhunters. It was late, all of them too late.

 

Camille’s hand was swift, slicing four thick slashes through the skin of Simon’s stomach. Deed done, she dropped him without care. The group of  hotel vampires stepped back, horrified. They were innocent, unaware of Camille’s plans and ways. Raphael rushed forward, Camille’s hiss stopping him. “You see what she does? Do you all see how she judges, and takes from us all? Claiming to save us, when, who has fed all of you?” Raphael shouted. The shadowhunters scared the DuMort vampires off before he was answered.

 

One of them, the dark haired older man tried to grab Raphael since he was closest to the portal. A fight ensued, Raphael repeatedly pushing him away. No matter how much the vampire preached his innocence, it was Clary who stopped both of them. Clary had rushed forward to help Jace with some of the unfavorable vampires.  At Camille's feet, she finally found her friend. She screamed, forcing the shadowhunter group leader’s attention. His concentrated expression morphed to confused horror. “Is that the mundane?”

 

“Keep the vamps off him, Alec!” Isabelle shouted, snapping her whip. All the chaos granted Raphael a chance to pull Simon away from everyone. Simon screamed in pain when he was moved but it was drowned out by the fighting. Raphael couldn’t go far without stopping to check on Simon in the first dry spot he could find.

 

“Simon, Simon, stay with me, okay? I need to see how deep your wound are.” The vampire spoke in a quick and calm voice to soothe even the tiniest bit of Simon’s anxiety. He was sobbing in pain, slow and confused but complied. Moving his heavily shaking hands from his stomach, he offered himself for inspection.

 

It wasn’t good. Blood gurgled out an alarming rate. His skin slashed into ribbons, thick steam puffed out as the warmth of his inside met the cold air. Any hope that his wounds weren’t deep were dashed when Simon shifted and his intestines were visible. Raphael folded Simon’s hands back over, forcing him to hold pressure there. “Is it… B-Bad?” Simon questioned, moving his head to push his glasses up that were now covered in raindrops as well as foggy. “All I can…. It’s red. All I s-see is red.” Raphael pushed up his glasses for him, blood smearing against the lens.

 

“It’s not good. But, it’s, it’s okay. We’ll get you to a hospital, they’ll fix you up.” He said, swallowing as a side of him didn’t believe his own words. The smell of blood was so strong, running down the cement into the rain where they mixed and became a red river.

 

“Fuck it. … C… Come closer. All that… All that m-matters is that I can see you.” Simon requested, Raphael pressing their foreheads together without delay. Simon’s smile was weak but it somehow remained just as bright as any other time he had smiled for Raphael. “I need… R-Raph… I need you to listen to me.”

 

“No no no, it’s, you’re going to be fine. Everything’s fine, Simon, the shadowhunters will help you, you need to rest.” Alec had stolen too much of his time arguing, who knows how weak Simon got in the time it took to have him in his arms again.

 

“Listen.” Simon repeated, attempting to lick his lips to wet them but his mouth was too dry. “I love you.”

 

“You don’t. You don’t know me enough. You didn’t have time to learn enough to love me. But you will, everything’s okay.” Raphael shook his head, forcing his eyes not to well up. Simon had no qualms, tears openly falling down his cheeks. They were salty and painful but they had to wait. His heartbeat was so faint in Raphael’s ears. It felt wrong to argue with what Simon was attempting to make his last words but it needed to be done.

 

“I… Could’ve. I could’ve lo-love you. But… You… You look like...” His breathing was fast, unable to get the solid air he needed for words. Still, he pressed on. “Shit.” He finished, a bubble of miserable and broken laughter coming from both of them.

 

“Thanks.” Raphael replied, Simon’s tears dripping onto the vampire’s cheeks. It warmed them in a way they hadn’t been warmed in a long time.

 

“That me-means… That you… _ You  _ love me. You ca-came here… Without hair gel.” Simon attempted to snicker but it only came out a wheeze. His shaky, sticky hand reached up and rested on Raphael’s free curls.

 

“No no no, keep pressure on it, don’t-”

 

“It’s okay.” Simon promised, the weight of his hand forcing Raphael closer. Their noses brushed, Simon taking a short minute to shut his eyes before they met Raphael’s again. Raphael’s eyes were so scared, sick with worry and fear. “F-F-Fi-Fine. It’s all fine.” Simon’s smile was faltering but he fought hard to keep it on his face. “Be… It’s cuz… You’re here. You came. You… Came to… Try to save my… My mi-miserable life... Again. You tried…. S-So hard. Thank you. You did your best… You made me… You made… I felt… In-invincible.” Raphael felt his tears budding, hyperventilating as Simon’s breath got weaker.

 

“No, no no no, Simon, look at me.”

 

“I am...” Simon croaked, eyes hazy and unfocused. “You’re… All I could ever… Look at. Thank you Raphael. Thank you for saving me. You don’t… Have to anymore.” He promised, eyes sliding shut as his last tears finally fell. His warm breath stopped against Raphael’s cheek. His heartbeat kept getting fainter and fainter…

 

“Simon!” Raphael called to deaf ears, his bloody tears splashing on Simon’s cheek. He stared at it, pushed into motion. “You’re  _ wrong! _ ” Raphael’s razor fangs ripped open his own wrist, pressing his own injury to Simon’s unresponsive lips. His thumb rubbed down Simon’s throat, forcing the vampire blood into him. “You’re wrong, Simon, you’re so… Stupid. I can fix this… I can… I can save you, one last time...”


	9. Vengence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys! i think we might only have like four or five chapters left and it has become a goal of mine to finish them a lot quicker! so hopefully we're in the final stretch. still in pain train though. i'm not quite sure if i like this chapter but i fiddled a lot with it so hopefully you guys like it! i also went back and edited the format of this and previous chapters so hopefully it's a lot nicer and easier to read. thanks everyone!

No matter how long Raphael stared, eyes begging Simon’s chest to move, it didn’t. No matter how much rain he wet his hands with, he couldn’t wash away anyone’s sins. Simon remained still and dead. Raphael’s blood dripping from his slack mouth as often as the rainwater dripped from his hair. Simon’s death was as finite as all mortal’s were. There were mortals that died sooner, only a few minutes after their first breaths. Why did Simon’s last, against Raphael’s trembling cheek, feel too soon? It was too quiet. Even in the pouring storm, Simon Lewis had gone too quietly.

And for what? After so much effort, so much… Invested. Saving Simon, to now. No, no. It was all wrong. All of this was wrong. Raphael’s legs took their time until he was standing once more. His feet moved without true destination, splashing into the puddles. His mind traveled to where the shadowhunters must still be fighting the vampires.

He could hear them, the action, how their bodies were being exhausted with effort. They were exhausted? No, _he_ was exhausted. Camille would be watching over, sick sense of entitlement as it was all meaningless to her. She got what she wanted. He half-heartedly wondered what they would do with Camille if they managed to catch her. Would they hand her over to the Clave for judgement, unscathed? If they caught her at all. That was wrong, as well. No, something had to be done about that.

“Camille.” His hoarse voice called when he arrived. There was a strong smell of blood in the air, but he couldn’t force himself to care. What he cared about had already been split. Camille’s attention turned to him, as well as the attention of her loyal guards. They were almost like hounds. No. Calling the putrid people in front of him as such would be insulting to werewolves.

“Oh, Raphael. Are you done with your tantrum now?” She questioned, tone bored even during the swarm of vampires attacking the shadowhunters. “Come to actually do your job?”

“Yeah.” Raphael answered, stumbling forward. “I’m here to clean up your mess. It’s time to pay.” His body lunged forward, intent in its purposes. Her guards tried to stop him, lumbering menacingly. Their hands tried to grab him but he was faster. Both of them hit the water of the pier before they even knew their feet left the ground. Raphael felt no remorse, the bastards could swim.

“End this charade, you wouldn’t hurt me.” Camille stated, not bothered by her lackeys’ absence.

“He didn’t deserve that.” Raphael walked forward in a body that didn’t feel like his own. “It took a lot of lying, to save him once. To fix your last meddling, yet here you go again. I am tired, Camille.” He stared down at her, body heavy. “He deserved to burn like a star, flaring even as he fell. He has to carry the scars of what you did on his body forever. I have to carry them deeper. You will carry _our_ scars as deep as your beauty is.”

With a single movement, his claws caught the skin of her face. It was so easy, too easy. Camille screamed and Raphael felt her claws digging into his skin. He felt no pain. It seemed all the pain he had to feel was gone, already ripped out of him. “You feel this?” He asked in a weak, broken tone as her blood dripped down his hand. “This pain you feel so much joy giving to everyone else?” His hand was slow to move downwards, giving her face the same shredding that killed his love. He wasn't dragging out her pain on purpose, no. He felt all the exhaustion his old bones had, all weighing on him at once.

Camille’s screams of agony attracted the attention of all parties, the fight ceasing. Raphael’s hand drug down, her right cheekbone to a few inches away from her lips. His intent to leave the same type of slash scars on her face as she did to Simon. She clutched her seeping wound and screamed in agony. Raphael had only deaf ears as he pushed her towards the shadowhunters. “She has broken the Accords for the last time. Make sure it _is_ the _last_ time.” Alec caught her, staring at Raphael. They were all staring at him.  the shadowhunters, the vampires and… Magnus. Why was Magnus here? Magnus didn’t work with shadowhunters. Raphael stared at the warlock as he came closer. His eyes bore into Raphael. Only in his presence did Raphael feel the smallest guilt for his violent actions.

The shadowhunters were escorting all vampires except Raphael through a portal. All shadowhunters, but Clary. She still didn’t yet know what became of her friend. She would find out soon.

“Raphael.” Magnus began in a more gentle tone than Raphael viewed he deserved. “Who’s blood is that?” He questioned. Raphael peered down at himself, his off white button up stained a dark red. The question did not have a clear answer. His left sleeve covered his still bleeding wrist. The right sleeve suffering the stains of Camille’s gore. Raphael doubted Magnus was questioning either of those at the moment. Instead, he was referring to his soaked front that even the heavy rain could not cleanse. The fat droplets couldn’t ever erase the mental image of where it came from either.

“Does it matter?” Raphael questioned in return, staring down at the disarray of his clothes. He couldn’t bring himself to bring himself back to Magnus’ eyes. They always seemed to end up like this, Magnus doing his best to assist disillusioned Raphael. One day, Raphael hoped to assist Magnus, but his soul was too broken for that day to be anytime soon.

“Raphael… Do you know where Simon is?” Magnus attempted a different route, but Raphael refused to follow.

“You know, the Nephilim… They make a big deal about mundane blood… Demon blood. But they all look the same to me. They both look the same on me, too.” He remarked, not breaking eye contact with the soiled cloth.

“Raphael, I need to know where Simon is. I’d like to help him, if I can.” Magnus pushed, staring deep and seemingly past Raphael’s skin and right into his sobbing soul.

“Oh. I can’t tell you where Simon is right now. I can tell you where he was.” Raphael offered, confusing Magnus further until the vampire could finally utter the truth. It was excruciating, like attempting to utter the Lord’s name once more. Now it was simply the burning sadness, the tears that he had to hold in. He was not mundane, he could not disguise his grief with the now drying rain. If even one of the bloody drops fell, they would running for what was evermore, even for an immortal. No, Magnus needed the truth, no matter how it was ripped from Raphael’s teeth. “I can show you… I can show you where his body...” Raphael choked, his hands beginning to shake.

Magnus’ eyes were wide in shock, as if he was innocent to Camille’s ways. Neither of them were, but each act of tyranny always stung anew. Clary joined them, and as the weight of his words were sinking into Magnus, she demanded the same answer. “Raphael, where’s Simon?!”

How many times must Raphael Santiago be tortured so that the truth would be spread? Magnus attempted to assist, as he always did. “Biscuit....”

“No, I need to know he’s okay!” Clary objected, standing toe to toe with Raphael. It is one of the only times he regarded Clary Fairchild with pity.

“Do you _need_ to know?” Raphael muttered, mostly to himself. Did anyone need to know the exact date where sunlight would go out for all creatures? When the darkest of nights gets dimmer all the same? “He’s dead.” No matter what happened after that, it is truth they all faced. Simon Lewis had wasted the last of his breath on something as worthless as attempting to ease him of guilt. Guilt that burdened his heavy chest still.

“You’re lying.” Clary whispered, tears budding in her eyes. “No, I don’t believe you! He can’t…!” Raphael could see the cogs of self blame turning in her head. He'd gone through the same motions. If he hadn't involved himself. Managed to scare Simon away…  Maybe that would have been a better ending.

Clary slammed her fists against his chest as she sobbed, forcing him out of his thoughts. Magnus stroked her back to calm her and Raphael couldn’t find it in himself to be angry. They experienced similar pain. It was over now. Raphael walked them both to where Simon remained motionless. Raphael would have to stake Simon. He would never move again whether the blood took or not but… Simon would have a funeral. His family would weep for his loss in the beautiful bright sunlight. It would be a touching gathering that Raphael would never see. It had to be done.  Yet…

Staring at Simon’s face, Raphael wanted to be hopeful that he would see his lover’s lips smile again. He watched Clary sob and clutch her friend’s body. “You know… There’s a way.”


	10. Defeat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey everyone! not much to say this time around, just that you're all so nice and uh, adorable? i saw a fic tagged for swearing the other day and i was like ok i'll cover my ears and pretend i've haven't written porn ever. speaking of, for a future fic, do y'all enjoy porn? not like pwp but involved in a larger more emotional fic (future one, not this one)? i have no idea what you kids are into. anyway, hope you all enjoy!!

It seemed that no matter the timeline, no matter the circumstances, Simon would always die. Raphael would carry him into the same graveyard, dig the same deep hole. The waiting began first.

 

He had given Simon’s fate over to Clary Fairchild but the thought of why nagged at him repeatedly. He brought Simon’s fate into his own hands by sharing his own blood, a choice wouldn’t be available without his persistence. Why was it so difficult to finish the job himself then? Instead of walking in still stained clothes while a shadowhunter carried his dead lover, this all could’ve been over hours ago. Was lover even the right title for their relationship?

 

Raphael let out a long sigh, smoothing his hands through his hair for some semblance of order to the unruly locks. The whole situation is a mess. He lied to Clary, stating that it was still Camille’s blood running through Simon’s veins. That the reason it might not take is because the vampire venom was running out of his system. She believed him, which is good but… Magnus was suspicious. Magnus knew better. It was only a matter of time before he demanded answers.

 

“Raphael. You should get cleaned up before the sun comes up. I doubt any decisions will be made tonight.” Magnus spoke in his gentle tone, the tone he used when he knew Raphael was in pain. They hadn’t talked recently, but Magnus always knew.

 

“I don’t think they’ll allow a scenic tour, Magnus. You know how it is with shadowhunters. We’re only people when they need something.” Raphael stated, glancing over at the warlock.

 

“Yes, but I don’t think it will go well if a downworlder came into the institute came in with as much blood you have on you. Wouldn’t help your case.” Magnus took Raphael’s wrist, healing the ripped skin that still dripped idly. “Nor that. But I would love to hear the story behind that when everything is sorted.”

 

“It’s a long one.” Raphael lied. Simon and his story so far had been painfully short, shorter than expected. He expected to watch Simon age and die, but a major step had been skipped in this process.

 

“Well, we _are_ immortals. I have all the time in the world for such stories.” Magnus promised, nudging Raphael away from the group. Raphael didn’t need more convincing, speeding off to the DuMort.

 

When he creaked the heavy doors open, he was met with the stares of many. Lily was by his side in an instant, checking him over. “What happened? I was just looking some stuff over when I heard Camille killed a mundane in front of the shadowhunters? Did you actually hand her over? Is it true that you carved her face?” She questioned, the whole clan having open ears. Lily paused, looking him over before her face was painted in concern. “... Are you okay?”

 

“I hope so.” Raphael answered weakly. “Yes. All of that is true. Camille has been taken by the shadowhunters, most likely to await trial. I am needed at the institute as well but while I am here, we need to decide who should be the leader of the clan.”

 

“Well, the answer is pretty obvious.” Stan commented from one of the rafters. “You went toe to toe with Camille, and won. Not to mention the shadowhunters believed you. You saved us all.” His words were heartfelt and caught Raphael off guard. He turned back to Lily, who shrugged.

 

“You were second in command anyway. That’s how transition of power works. Does everyone agree?” She called, the response from the rest of the clan overwhelmingly positive. Lily patted him on the back. “Okay, then it’s all you. I doubt you’ll notice a difference after doing all the heavy lifting before, but hopefully it’s nicer.”

 

“Thank you.” Raphael bowed his head, and some of the pressure in his chest was relieved. The clan would always be there behind him. Even if nothing worked and Simon would be resting forever, he had the clan to take care of. “Thank you all for this opportunity. I hope I can do right by you.”

 

“You should get going. Shadowhunters are not patient. I don’t think I’m willing to lose two leaders in one night.” Lily joked, offering him a small smile. Raphael smiled in return and got ready with new determination. He needed new clothes and blood, and that was before he had one more stop.

\---

“Are you sure this will work?” Clary asked, shivering and nervous. She pulled her jacket closer, uncomfortable sitting next to the corpse of her best friend.

 

“Nothing is set in stone, no. I don’t know how much venom is in his system.” Raphael answered, digging deeper into the spot Clary began. “To be honest, I wasn’t sure which choice I was rooting for.”

 

“Of course not, Simon was a pawn to you.” She scoffed, teeth chattering in the icy winds. “That’s why you gave me a choice in the first place.”

 

“No. None of that is true. If you’d be so kind, I’d like to focus.” The spade dove deeper into the dense dirt. They were lucky that the ground wasn’t wet and that it was too early in the year for it to freeze. Things were already difficult as it was. The grave was the easiest part, but what came after….

 

“Then why?” Clary was new to this. Being a shadowhunter, respect for other people, a lot of things. “You’ve probably dealt with hundreds of fledglings before, why do you need to focus to dig?”

 

“I’m doing my best. You know what they say. A friend will help you move, a best friend will help you move a body. Usually when it comes to moving your best friend’s body, you don’t get help.” He didn’t, at least. “That’s deep enough.” Clary sighed, giving her best friend a longing look.

 

“You know, I … He means so much to me. I can’t imagine losing him forever. Is that stupid?” Her voice was softer and pained.

 

“Yes and no.” Raphael responded, watching as she draped the tallit over Simon’s shoulders. “Immortal or not, we all know that death is possible for us and/or the people around us. It’s a hell of a shock when it happens though. It hurts more when you do your best to keep them safe.” He was speaking about his own feelings but Clary nodded as if he was referring to her efforts. Raphael scooped Simon into his arms, the urge to hug him close for once last time unbearable. His mind begged the corpse to come alive and bury its nose in his neck one last time. It did not, he was not that lucky.

 

He laid Simon down in the deep grave, Clary watching him intently. He reached in the bag and pulled out a bouquet of yellow tulips. He pulled each flower out, arranging them around Simon’s head to mimic rays of sunshine. Clary’s eyes were searching as Raphael crawled out of the grave, glancing back at her best friend. Simon had never looked more peaceful.

 

“Why did you do that?” She asked, tucking her hair behind her ear. “I mean, it’s beautiful, but...”

 

“I’m repaying a debt. I had gotten to know Simon a little more after you rescued him. He showed me gentleness, in a way I hadn’t know it before.” Raphael explained, thoughts being pulled back to their first and one of their only kisses.

 

Clary stared over him, confused at this new development but too heartbroken at the moment to look into it further. “...Why yellow tulips?”

 

“There’s a legend that says happiness is found in the buds of a yellow tulip. Many people tried to open the flower to claim happiness for themselves but couldn’t open it. Then, a boy came with a smile as bright and full of sunshine as the flower itself. The flower opened with ease and his smile brought happiness to everyone.” Yellow tulips also represented a love that was hopeless in the past, but Raphael wouldn’t mention it. “Would you like to cover him up?”

 

“I don’t think I can.”

 

“Alright.” Raphael took up the spade once more and threw the dirt back over Simon, red tears brimming his eyes but refusing to fall. He offered his jacket to Clary after he was done and her teeth began to chatter. The two waited in near silence for hours, the shadowhunter’s body forcing her into slumber as they waited. The sun would be coming up soon and Simon still hadn’t risen. Raphael looked at the sky and wondered if he should stay and feel the warmth of the sun one last time before he was turned to ash.

 

The clan was too important, their words echoing in his mind. His body had never felt heavier but he lifted it nonetheless. The jar of Simon’s grave earth clinked in Raphael’s bag and he wished he had taken more to remember Simon by. It was too late have such thoughts, the hotel awaited. His feet had almost left the burial site forever when the ground began to furiously shake.


	11. The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHAT IS UP YOU GUYS?! I know it's been a while and I wish I could say it was just school or work but I've been in therapy. In summary:  
> Therapist: you have problems  
> Me: tell me about it!  
> Therapist: you know that's not how this works
> 
> But I've seen all your comments and kudos and let me say THANK YOU! I did not reply to them because I couldn't honestly say when this would update but I just knew I wanted it out before 2B and here I am a day before the deadline! But I really hope you guys enjoy this last chapter!

Simon awoke. He muttered softly, trying to go back to sleep. His attention and eyes snapped forward and open. The air in the room was dusty and metallic, unlike the smell of well slept in sheets and new books of his own. This room was not his own. His fingers fumbled to push up his glasses, simply poking himself in the face instead. His stomach churned, aching, gnawing, and empty. His right arm singed with pain, uncomfortable and ending at his shoulder.

 

Memories returned to him faster than he could put them together. Camille slitting open his stomach and revealing his organs for all to see. Raphael comforting him, saying his last goodbyes to his undead boyfriend. Now he was here. How was he here? Where is here?

 

His fingers traced his face, unable to find his frames. His vision was perfect, with his glasses nowhere to be found. Pulling his shirt up, the slashes in his skin had already healed together in jagged, barbed and thick scars. His stomach held no pain, but his arm did. He checked all he could, but the skin was pristine and uninjured. What was going on?

 

He stumbled out of the bed, falling to the ground with a cloud of dust puffing up around him. He expected his allergies to kick up, making him hack with watery eyes. Again, nothing. Anxiety started to kick in, making Simon take in heavy breaths. His body moved quickly, checking the door. It was unlocked, much to his relief.

 

The hallways were familiar, he was in the DuMort. How did he end up here? Vampires swarmed the halls. Simon flinched, back hitting the wall as he attempted to distance himself from them. They did not pay him any mind, running past him as if he wasn't there. Simon stared, confused until someone grabbed his shirt sleeve and pulled him into the crowd. He jumped, preparing to fight before he saw their face. It was Lily, seemingly glaring at him.

 

“Come on. This concerns you too, fledgling.” She stated and begun pulling him along. Simon was too confused to shake her off. What was a fledgling? They approached a large set of doors that had light pouring out of them. The heavy doors creaked open to only reveal more horror. It was Raphael being bandaged by someone Simon did not recognize. The skin of his right arm and shoulder was heavily burnt, the smell all encompassing. Raphael’s expression held no pain as he wasn't conscious. His eyes stared, hoping that he would blink and everything would be fine or at least make sense.

 

“What happened?” Simon whispered, glancing over at Lily. She clenched her jaw.

 

“You happened.” She spat, fuming. Her concern was clearly forcing her to lash out, but her cut and dry remarks didn’t help any puzzle pieces together. “He’ll tell you. I don’t know why he did what he did, so I can’t justify anyone’s actions. You needed to see this, but people are angry right now. I’m angry. Go back to your room. Stay there.”

Simon listened. He peered at the crowd around them and slipped back out before anyone could notice him. His stomach growled and his teeth ached. Eyes catching a mirror, he rushed forward to meet it. His body blurred for a moment, ending up on the floor again. From this perspective, he could see how blood soaked the sheets of the bed he was laying on. Who’s blood stained the mattress was simply added to the list of questions; a list that was getting quite long.

 

Grey and red were the most prominent colors to describe Simon’s current look at the moment. Covered in dust and dirt, his clothes held more blood than the bed. His veins were so visible, dark against his skin. He winced, face cringing together into a look of disdain. He had a reflection but when his lips curled up in disgust, his canines had a precise point to them. Poking his tongue against them with the lightest touch broke the skin. His blood tasted different, more sour than the copper he was used to. There was a heavy sweetness that held tight in the back of his throat that he was unable to identify.

 

Simon covered the mirror with a soiled sheet, deciding to pace instead. He needed to stay according to Lily, but there was too many unknown variables to respect her wishes. Raphael was hurt and the way Lily talked about it, he was somehow at fault. His pained arm matched Raphael’s injures, meaning Simon was somehow feeling his pain. Simon couldn’t stay here for long. So he waited.

 

Sitting against the door with his ear pressed firmly against it, he waited until he heard the clan’s tired feet walking back to their quarters. It wasn’t until every last pair patted to their place that Simon slipped out while they slept. He crept toward where he previously saw Raphael, peeking to make sure the room was empty. His eyes immediately caught the lone dark brown one’s in the room. Raphael was in pain but upon seeing Simon seemed… Relieved? Simon surged forward, sitting next to him with a confused expression.

 

“I’m sorry.” Raphael croaked, eyes scanning over Simon’s face.

 

“I… I don’t understand. I thought I died.” Simon said, his head tilting slightly. “I thought I said goodbye to you. I was sure those were my last moments. Why am I here? Why are you sorry? Why is your clan mad at me? Why are you  _ hurt? _ ” He questioned, confusion and a bit of panic in his voice. “Am I...”

 

The last question, even unfinished, seemed to hurt Raphael the most. He let out a long sigh and avoided Simon’s gaze. “Yes. You died. We’re the same now. It’s  _ our  _ clan. My clan, technically, now that I’m the leader.”

 

“ _ How? _ ” Simon begged, furrowing his brow. “I thought what you did  _ worked,  _ I thought there wasn’t any venom, blood,  _ whatever _ , left in me!” He almost yelled, causing Raphael to wince.

 

“Simon, can we please talk somewhere quieter?” Raphael whispered, standing. Simon crossed his arms, clearly unhappy, but willing to follow. Raphael lead him to the roof. Simon walked after him, seeing all the familiar areas  and thinking how much everything had changed. When they arrived, Raphael sat on the edge with Simon sitting to his right.

 

“You were about to die.” Raphael begun. “I could hear how slow your heartbeat was getting. I was angry. Camille hurt you because of me.”

 

“Is that why you’re burned? Did she hurt you too?”

 

“I’m getting there. You might be angry at me too, when I’m finished.” Raphael admitted, taking in a large breath. Simon shifted towards him, deciding to listen without interruption. “You accepted your death, because you had to. We both knew you had lost too much blood, and I couldn’t take you anywhere without making your wounds worse. I know you tried to… Relieve me of any guilt I might have felt regarding your death. But it wasn’t that simple. I had… An unyielding fury. You didn’t deserve any of that.

 

“I thought to myself, that you were too young. I was younger than you when I passed, but it still wasn’t right. I did clear you of Camille’s blood. So I gave you some of mine. It’s my blood running through your veins, not hers.”

 

“Is that why I feel...” Simon motioned to Raphael’s heavily bandaged arm. “This pain?”

 

“You do?” Raphael questioned in return, face falling. “I’m sorry, for that too. I’ve never sired anyone before, I’m not familiar with how intimate the connection is.”

 

“What about your sire?” Simon asked. “Wouldn’t you know from them?”

 

“I killed them.”

 

“Well, that explains that. So you just decided to put me in the ground?”

 

“No. I… I gave you my blood in a rush of emotion. But I remembered how scared you were when you thought you were turning. I knew you wouldn’t want to be like me. I also knew how scared you were, when you were dying. I didn’t know which you would… Prefer?” Raphael winced. “That doesn’t sound right. I haven’t known you for long enough to make that sort of decision for you. We were… New. I was lost. All I knew at that time was anger. Rage toward Camille. So I returned to the scene of the battle and I tore open her face.”

 

“Damn. Intense.” Simon commented in a deadpan, causing Raphael to snort.

 

“Yeah. The shadowhunters took her into custody.”

 

“You know, with how many times you’ve said you were angry in different words in the last five minutes, you could qualify for the Red Lantern Corps.”

“The what?”

 

“Nothing. Continue.” Simon shrugged, Raphael staring at him for a minute before starting again.

 

“I knew you should’ve remained dead. I didn’t like the idea. I showed Clary where your body was, because she didn’t believe me. We shared the same grief.”

 

“Poor Clary.” Simon frowned. “I didn’t want her to see that.”

 

“She was overcome with grief, begging for any options. So I offered her one. I hadn’t known you for very long and I felt that if you were to entrust anyone with that choice, it would be her. She chose to change you and I didn’t… I didn’t stop her. I helped, even. You emerged near sunrise, in your primal state. I kept you away from feeding on Clary, who was asleep. I carried you here. I got you inside before you could be burnt. I only burnt myself when I was shutting the door and a beam of light hit my arm. I fed you before I became too weak. I understand if you’re mad.”

 

Simon was silent, staring out into the night. Raphael didn’t blame him, it was a lot at once. It was hard to believe it only took one night for everything to change as much as it had.

 

“If you want to leave, Clary has your phone and your car keys. She’s probably wondering where you are.”

 

“If you dragged me here, why didn’t you just keep them?”

 

“...Because I was too curious. What was the last song playing in your car? How did Camille convince you? What were your last words to some people? In the technological age, you don’t have to remember things sometimes. You can save them forever…” Raphael admitted, looking over Simon’s face as if it was the last time he would see it. “Listen, you don’t have to worry about Camille anymore Simon, neither of us do. I just want you to be happy. Anything you can think of, I’ll respect.”

 

Simon stood, leaving Raphael’s right side. Raphael had to stare forward, unable to watch. It hurt more than the sunlight, more than his death, to think that Simon couldn’t accept what he had done. It was over. Their short affair was not eternal, it wasn’t meant to be, it was over.

 

When there was a pressure on the left of him, it nearly scared Raphael out of his skin. More importantly, the next motions pulled him out of his thoughts. Simon’s fingers intertwined with his uninjured ones, his head resting on Raphael’s shoulder. “I think….” Simon’s gaze moved from in the distance to meeting Raphael’s eyes. “I think you still owe me a date.” He said with a soft smile and an even softer kiss on Raphael’s cheek. Raphael melted, pressing their foreheads together and holding Simon as close as he could.

 

“I missed you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feel free to bully me into writing my OTHER saphael ideas on my tumblr. mattx13.tumblr.com


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